Before kids, I was always that person who looked at mothers and their seedlings and made a mental note as to how differently I would do things. I was to be that perfectly coiffured woman, sashaying in heels behind a unrealistically clean pram, cooing over my smiling offspring.
Well, now I have my own child…and a profound respect and admiration for all the mamas who just about make it up and out the house before 3pm with a wash; never mind a full face of make up!
I had often imagined my life ‘after baby’ to be one of lazy duvet days where we just snuggled up and watched disney movies one after the other. Or where little junior would sit quietly and play with toys without so much of a peep. Oh no. Instead, it’s growth spurt after growth spurt, teething, temper-tantrums or baby trying to projectile vomit on the other side of the rug she missed. Life before baby was certainly a lot more calmer and mellower – and you actually had time to get ready. Now, you have to co-exist and share your toilet breaks, showers and ‘late afternoon’ routines with a mini human being who refuses to be put down, let alone be out of your sight for 2 minutes!
Ahhh, my time is now upon me. Here is a list of ten things I wish I had of known before my life got flipped-turned- upside- down:
You have this idea in your head of candle lit rooms, scented candles and the occasional foot rub whilst your other half stares lovingly into your eyes. Instead, its a one way ticket to the Amityville horror, with no breaks or get out jail free card. How is childbirth still even legal?
2. Emotional wreck.
The faintest sight of your newest addition and little fluff ball will send you into an emotional meltdown and probably have you crying literally over spilt (breast) milk.
3. Where did all this blood come from?
They didn’t show you this part on One Born Every Minute! “ Hello complaints department, please ….”
4. My Milkshake brings all the ...
Your boobs turn into a huge bag of walnuts, all lumpy and hard. You’ll feel like your new, square, porn-star-fake boobs will explode at any time- and that they do! These things should come with a warning sign.
5. Sour Milk.
That smell that’s been following you round for days is actually 3 day old baby sick, wafting from your once beautifully blow-dried locks. Say bye bye to blow dries, as you’ll keep these for only really special occasions – like when baby is staying at Nanny’s and wont have chance to vom anywhere near your freshly smelling hair.
Why does no one ever tell you that it’s really bloody hard! Who thought it would be as simple as baby, boob, mouth – job done?! Yeah, definitely not us – although, if you are struggling there are some really cool hampers out there to help! See what Oh Me Oh Mama has to offer!
7. Why am I always tired?
Even the word ‘tired’ becomes your new best mate. There when you wake up and laying beside you, taunting you as you struggle to keep one eye open and one eye from leaving the baby’s cot.
8. Babies feed everywhere! Like everywhere.
Even when you need the bathroom! Bath, toilet, shower … I’m sure babies have the knack for seize any opportunity where you cant actually move from their mouth-clamping clutches.
You don’t need clothes- surely that would mean actually having to leave the house one day?!
10. Your life.
Your life, like the bible, will form two parts. BB- Before Baby and AB- After Baby. The former will become a haze, a dream-like existence that you think happened once but just can’t be too sure about.
One thing for sure is that we can all agree that as tough as motherhood can get sometimes, the sleepless nights, sick-covered clothes, dried up bits of rusk and food stuck to every piece of clothing you own, there is no love like the love you feel for your child, or the look on their faces when they wake up of a morning, peer over the edge of their cot and see you coming in for a big hug. Priceless.
*Photographs by Kiara Mako | KIA Studio Kids